Yesterday I blogged about all the things that got me to this point in my life and all the failed relationships.
Today I want to talk about the man that I knew I loved before I ever met him. The thing I love most about him are his flaws and imperfections.
For the first time in my life I have a man that knows everything about me and he still wants to be with me. Every scar, imperfection, he sees as perfection and what makes me one of a kind and perfect for him. This is all so new to me as I have never had an open dialogue like this with a man in my life before. Through all my tears and reminiscing about the past yesterday he said something that knocked it all home for me. He said, "I am not him". I heard him and realized that this is where I go wrong in relationships. I say I am over the past, but are any of us really and truly? I see how I view myself as unworthy and not deserving of a man's love and systematically almost unconsciously go about sabotaging and destroying it. I am not going to do that this time because he makes me feel worthy of all of him and reminds me how special I am to him everyday. Will him and I be together forever? Get married? I don't know the answer to those questions, but I do know that he is important to me and how he makes me feel. When I am in his arms everything feels right with the world. When I am not with him I feel like part of me is missing. He makes me a better person. He doesn't allow me to wallow in self doubt or self pity. He is real, raw and unfiltered in everything he says and does. He never leaves me to wonder where I stand with him. He is not like any man I have ever met before and that is a good thing since none of them ever worked out. He feels amazed that I want to be with him, and I am equally amazed that he wants to be with me. When I am standing next to his 6'3 frame and in his arms there is a safeness and peace that I have never known before. If anything good has come from the last year it is that I am living in my real truth for the first time ever. The woman that stands before him is me, not a facade of what I think he wants.
Why is his face blurred? Because I am not ready for the world to try and tear down what we have. I feel that regardless of how public my life is, my personal life should still be allowed to be private. Don't confuse this with him not wanting the world to know who he is or how he feels about me. Nothing could be further from the truth. Everything will happen when and if it is supposed to. I have been famously single for almost a year now. I would love for that to change :-)