Boy have I learned a lot in the last two years. As we get closer to a historic run for Michael Phelps, I thought it would be a good time to reflect. I have lived my life very publicly, the good, the bad and the ugly. I have been amazed how strangers and strong supporters of him think they know our lives and can come to conclusions without ever being there. First and foremost, being silent doesn't make you better, right or the holder of truth. We have seen what a magnificent PR job Octagon Sports Management has done taking a lying, womanizing, drinking and driving, pot smoking, prescription drug abusing, sexual limit pushing man and made the world forget all of that. Further more they got USA Swimming to not make him deal with the consequences of his actions according to their Code of Conduct 304. I had to sit back and watch as my own life, actions and motives were rewritten. I have been judged harshly for every move I have made in the last two years with very few people truly knowing the behind the scenes of why things happened the way they did. I have been accused of selling out, wanting my 15 minutes of fame, stalking and obsessing and not able to let go of him. I have been accused of being attacking and bullying him by the same people that bully me. I have definitely been vocal about what he did to me and how that affected my life and still does in a lot of ways. Is telling the truth bullying? Have there been times when I was upset, angry, devastated, even irrational? Absolutely there was, but it doesn't change the fact of anything that happened. The worst blow came when he started giving interviews this year and being a revisionist of history. It was one thing to be called a liar by omission. It was totally different to have his version of the truth contradict everything that really happened. All the I was closed off from the world and wanted to kill myself never happened. Both of us were held up in bed for two days following the DUI. My car was parked in front of his house for God's sake. I gave him every opportunity to let me go as the media became more involved in our private life together and he chose to keep me hanging on. He chose to have me stand by him like a fool when he left for rehab. Now that I have had lots of time to reflect, I see red flags and things I should have seen. I quite possibly was naive and gullible, but I was like I said at the time, in what felt like a teenage love affair. Things happened so quickly after the DUI. I have been told over and over again on social media to let him go and move on. I am sure that seems logical and easy from the outside looking in. Once you are touched by celebrity and fame there are many cogs that go into that wheel out of your control. We live in a world thanks to the internet that doesn't allow you to just go back into obscurity or normal life. What people can't seem to wrap their heads around, is the fact that the story was going to break whether I said a word or not. I didn't leak the story or profit from it in the beginning. I didn't give an interview until the day he got out of rehab. Everything that had been written about us up until that point was tabloid, speculation or taken from my social media prior to it all being deleted. I truly was naive to think I had any control or power when I did the infamous Facebook post in November of 2014. Unlike reported I had already told Michael everything along with his management. As the first stories unraveled, Michael and I were still together and he was aware and told me we were fine. I did not have sex with him in bathrooms or at Baltimore Ravens' games or during halftime. Things I have said have been twisted a million ways to sell a story. I have been to his house several times and obviously we have been intimate several times. I wish I had never discussed those details, but I was ill prepared for what was taking place two years ago, and I was led to believe that Drew and the Octagon team were there for me and to cooperate with them. Since seeing what has transpired with Caitlyn Jenner coming out and the bathroom bills around the country, nothing gender related is acceptable beyond sound bites. I get why Octagon advised Michael to turn his back on me, but I will never understand knowing him like I did, why he would do what he did to me. I watched as he was told like a good little boy who to date, be photographed with, rehab, compete in swimming again, Olympics, talk to fans, open up on Facebook. There is hardly a sliver left of the Michael Phelps I knew. Nothing of what is happening now is anything like he used to be. Before you tell me he found himself in rehab for alcoholism, save your breath. He is not an alcoholic. Anyone with a brain can see what was happening back then and why the choices were made as they were. At the time this all happened, I had been divorced a year. A horrible costly divorce that forced me to return to work full time. I had just gotten to the point where I felt like I could breathe again and everything was back to normal when this happened. My career as an interpreter went into a tail spin. I was emotionally bankrupt at the time anyways. I spent the month of October medicated and in bed. By the time Vivid Entertainment came calling I hadn't worked in almost 3 months. Isn't something if I had it to do all over again I would do, but the reality is, it changed me forever sexually. I had never felt so comfortable in my own skin as I did after shooting both films for Vivid. What Michael, because of who he is, opened up in me, was forever solidified by shooting an adult film. Taking everything that transpired between Michael and I and reliving it on film with Ty was liberating. I was not prepared for all the hate and body shaming that would follow, but as time has gone on I care less and less what strangers think of me. People want to take every word I have ever said and try to make me out to be a liar or twist my words to discredit me. You say many things when a mic is shoved in front of you and you feel betrayed, angry and not sure how much you want to disclose. Once life as I knew it was over and now I am a passenger on this fame train, it is hard to undo it. Once your living comes from the sale of books and films and merchandise and appearances it's not that easy to just undo it. You can't help but change and get caught up, almost addicted to the attention, then when it is gone it is a whole new kind of empty you feel. Now I juggle public and private life quite well. I have learned that people that matter don't care about any of that. I ended my relationship since November this past month and it is ok. Dating has its challenges knowing what people can learn about me from a simple Google search, but I have not had one person I have told upfront care at all about any of it.
As Michael prepares to enter his fifth Olympics I find myself back in the press as more and more stories come out rehashing his road to Rio. I see the twisted things they say and try to make me out to be and where I once would have been quick to anger and want to defend myself, now I just laugh. You learn really quick that news in this country regardless of seriousness is all show biz and about clicks and ad dollars and how viral it will go. It's not about like or comments, but engagements which you only see behind the scenes.
I still owe my publisher my memoir. Vivid still has my second film, regardless of what they do with it. My life is all public with a few keystrokes and pushing the enter button. I'm beautiful, ugly, striking, old, gorgeous, deformed, hateful, kind, female, intersex, transgender, male, freak, he-she, it, tranny, monster, ashamed, proud, loving, hated, looked up to, looked down upon, admired, despised, caring, disgusting, HUMAN. I am Taylor
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