The Evolution of Michael Phelps

After viewing the ESPN interview...

So much good, still so many lies! So hard to hear how intertwined Nicole and I were in his life, especially that night. Knowing I was there that next day and both of us were held up in bed for two days as the media crashed down on us. Knowing the text and phone calls alternated between her and I from him everyday. Knowing as happy as we seemed together, that I could be what he views now as his dark time. That really hurts. Remembering our conversations about our fathers and how similar we felt about our relationships with them, it makes me smile to see he got the peace he needed from reconciling with his❤️ No matter how much I hate how he's treated me in the aftermath of September 30, 2014, I certainly understand it based on the unaccepting, judgmental, hate filled world we live in. That doesn't make him exempt from the lies of dating two women at the same time. It doesn't give me back the life I once knew before his actions stole that from me. It still seems unfair to me that he gets his life back and almost two years later mine is a shell. I will never have anonymity, privacy, and security again. After he left me to go to The Meadows I spent the month of October in bed, medicated, not wanting to deal with the media circus. When a fan sent me a pic of him at the wedding in California while we were together crushed me. Seeing the lie of Nicole and Marc Reisen was palpable! Wondering why that night before he got on the plane to Phoenix he didn't just let me go... Why keep me hanging on? What did he think would come of us knowing he was living a lie, torn between two lovers? This piece is so emotional, and I see parts of the real him for the first time in a long time, but it kills me that he keeps lying about the months leading up to the DUI, the days and months following it! I spent a good part of the last year and a half hating her. It's always easier to blame her. After seeing this I believe she loves him and I know first hand what she's had to go through in loving him. I regret lashing out at her when it was him I was really angry with. Was I that gullible that all those weeks were him playing me and using me? Are all the text, phone calls, and time together a lie? The plans we made, was that a lie too? The love and caring he showed me, was none of it real? When I felt down and destroyed in the days that followed the DUI, he encouraged me. If he didn't care about me, then why not let me go October 5 when I gave him the easiest out ever? No one can understand what those months were like if they didn't live it! The decisions I made, some good, some forced, some bad are not mine alone to bear the burden of! Borderline Personality Disorder that I had long lived with for the most part under control was unleashed. As my life and past became public I lost my ability to hide, adapt and reinvent myself. I relapsed into anorexia and it was a rollercoaster ride of wanting to live and die! The attention that came my way, my BPD thrived on. The loss of my privacy, being hated, shamed, feeling ugly, death threats nearly destroyed me more times then not over these months. I'm vilified, when I did nothing wrong. He got a DUI that stripped us of our privacy. Him not acknowledging us and now giving a revision of the time line or leaving parts out has vilified me again. When I react to him out of anger and hurt I'm seen as the bully. Strangers think they know more about our life then we do. People that have never met him or I hate me, and ridicule everything about me. I'm forced to identify with labels and adjectives that I just don't feel comfortable with. I'm accused of not letting go. How am I supposed to do that when I have no closure and have to live everyday with the effects of a four month relationship in 2014 that is still included in almost every article about his road to Rio that isn't a puff piece promoting the Olympics and USA Swimming???? If I'm so bad, awful and ugly, why was he with me? What does that say about him who thought I was beautiful, fit and sexy? Where do I fit into a world that Michael Phelps lives in?

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