I have been in bed sick for the past couple of days and it has given me plenty of time to think. So many lies have been told about my relationship with Michael Phelps, but the worst have been told by me. As I get clearer in the head each day with BPD and live a more authentic life, the side effect is clarity of the past.
People asked me non stop about my sex life with Michael Phelps and like a lab rat that was trained and said the things people wanted to hear. Michael Phelps and I were together and yes it was like a teenage love affair, but when it came to sex I did what I always do an adapt and go with the flow whether I want to or not. BPD makes me a good girl that wants to please and be liked. There were parts of sex with him that was appealing like the kissing and the tenderness, but the reality is that I was nervous every time we had sex, and not because we were having it in M & T Stadium like news organizations reported it or during half time of the Ravens/Browns game. Truth is Michael and I made plans to meet the day before. On the day of the game was the second time. I had been talking to him and getting to know him prior to meeting him. Anyone that has had an online dating experience can tell you by the time you meet you can have feelings and be fully engaged in some form of a relationship.
The part of all of this that is untrue is that sex with him was beautiful and wonderful. Yes, I did things with him that I had never done before with a man, and I allowed him to have his way with me many times, but at times he hurt me. He is well endowed. because we would have so much sex each time it hurt me. he hurt me. I was too embarrassed and didn't want him to think there was anything different about me so I took it each time because I cared about him and what we had. Two years ago in the throws of my mental illness I knew that isn't what people would want to hear and I didn't want to hurt him. I was so naive to what was really happening with us at the time and I was one of many he was sleeping with and one of two he was seriously dating. The sad fact is, that even if I had known I would have kept going because of what the relationship with him represented. The greatest Olympian of all time picked me, wanted me, made love to me. It took me days to recover from the discomfort of sex sessions with him. I remember being grateful he was leaving that following weekend to go to Los Angeles on Aquasphere business, so I was told. It gave me a break from him and his sexual appetite. I later learned while he was in rehab that he was at a wedding attended by his now wife Nicole and her ex Marc Reisen. Even knowing that I wanted to stick by him. I wanted him to pick me in the end. I wanted to be the best, the winner. When he left for rehab he told me we were good and I believed him. Even after finding out otherwise I didn't want to lose him. This man was no good for me and was selfish and a cheater and a liar, but because of my sickness I still wanted to be with him. A bad relationship was better than no relationship!
When I think back on all the plans for the future we had made and things we were gonna do. Was that true, or was he just telling me what I wanted to hear to keep the facade going? Did he ever really care about me and see a future with me or was it all a lie? If the DUI never happened would him and I still be together? Would he have gone back to the Olympics still to please his mother? I will never know the answers to these questions because the man I was with didn't exist. I saw what I wanted to see, not what was real. A strong woman with sense and respect for herself would never be with him. I gave myself to him sexually, not because I was ready or wanted to, but because I wanted to please him and didn't want to lose him. I guess in the end you could say I got F*cked!
Borderline personality disorder is a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes a pattern of unstable intense relationships, distorted self-image, extreme emotions and impulsiveness.