Someone asked me today why Michael Phelps dated me. At first I said I didn't know, then I said it was because I have big boobs, but the answer lies within me much deeper. Michael Phelps dated me because I was broken. A healthy, of sound mind woman would not date a man like him. He was attracted to the broken parts of me. If I didn't have Borderline Personality Disorder I would have never dated him or anyone like him.
I have always looked for men to complete me or fix me or make up for something that I feel is missing. It has made for a very tumultuous dating life and marriages. When Michael came into my world, I appeared to have everything in sync and on track, but nothing could be further from the truth. A few weeks prior I had been the victim of a sexual assault. That was part of a chain reaction of events that followed. In actuality it started with Tony telling me he wasn't ready for a serious relationship and I was head over heels for Tony. Then to fill the void and rejection that Tony provided I made a bad decision and met for a date too late with someone I barely knew. This person lied about their age, weight, height, pretty much everything. Being polite I didn't want to just leave, but staying set me up for this person to sexually assault me. This created a feeling much worse than rejection or abandonment. I felt to blame for what happened. Why would I agree to meet so late? Why would I put myself in someone else's car that I barely knew? This left me so broken and vulnerable to the advances of Michael. He said and did everything I wanted and needed to hear. He was like a knight in shining Speedo...LOL
Michael took me outside of my own head, my demons from the past, a body at war with itself. He made me feel pretty and accepted and whole. I felt insecure about my body because of a horrific accident that left me scared and deformed in 2001. No one sees me like I see me. Most people would never notice the things about me that I see with such clarity everyday. Then you add in all the BPD stuff and you have a winning combination for the swimmer and the damsel in distress. He became my ear, my confidant, my strength, my hero. Physically he became the man that didn't see what was broken, but what was whole. He made me feel like there was no one else in the world, but me. My BPD was in full effect. I was getting attention, I am dating the most decorated Olympian of all time, he is tall and OH MY GOD! the body! He made me feel important and a priority. Unlike other men that I dated that were high profile, he took me out of my own head. For the first time I didn't see myself as broken, I saw myself the way others would see me. The way he saw me made me feel perfect. He and I were perfect together. The reality is there was never just us. There was aways other women, and men. Michael is truly a sexual deviant! He has satisfied appetites that most only dream of. The signs were there from the beginning, but I was so googly eyed I couldn't, wouldn't see it.
Today I would't date Michael, or Tony. I certainly wouldn't put my self in a situation to get sexually assaulted that was completely avoidable. How did I get to this point? I got help. I got help for my mind, my body and my emotional needs. I saw a Psychiatrist and it was a very rough start. He thought I was delusional with grandiose tendencies. He prescribed me medication that changed my life quickly and for the better. Him and I came to a place of understanding and I didn't bullshit him and he truly saw me. He doesn't think those things anymore, but if it were to happen, he would be quick to call me on the carpet about it. I started doing Yoga, which frees me in so many ways and makes me feel like I am purging so much unneeded stuff. I forced my self to go to meetings and get involved in the LGBTIQ community. I spoke up and made my voice heard. I made new friends that are like sisters to me now. I made new guy friends that are healthy relationships.
Not long after being on the medication and changing for the better I met Timothy. For the first time in my life I had a relationship that was not based on illness or the wrong things. He is a good man and was so good to me. I fell in love with him fast and strong. Being with him showed me what a good relationship with a man was supposed to be. Unfortunately we weren't meant to be, but that is ok. I got the experience of a good man to know what I want and deserve in the future. Unlike past relationships that when they ended I would come un done, this time I felt sad, but at peace. I missed him, but was strong enough to know I'd be ok going forward.
I date occasionally now, but there is no one special at the moment. People want to date me for so many reasons, a lot of them probably the same as Michael, but they don't see the broken girl inside I once was...